


A Monster's Humanity

by Someone_is_Anonymous



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Destruction of... things, Episode 43 flashbacks, Kieran drawing humanity, Kieran is the only one in this and the other three are only mentioned, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 05:48:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26468215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Someone_is_Anonymous/pseuds/Someone_is_Anonymous
Summary: Should a monster deserve to feel that tinge of warmth when seeing the subtle moments in life that remind you that humanity can be beautiful? Kieran doesn't think so.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	A Monster's Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> To be clear, the italicized words are Kieran's thoughts, and the bolded are flashback words. I remembered bold words are usually meant for lies, but not for this one. Hope you enjoy it!

Kieran had just come home from a long day at the office. Long, but worthwhile.

During a break from work, he, Lauren, Kym, and Will took a walk and found a resting spot to sit and relax. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, friends were laughing.

It was a moment that Kieran wanted for a long, long time. A moment he never would forget. As simple of a moment it was, it reminded him once more of the tinge of warmth that humanity can be beautiful.

The thought that his presence can be enough for others, gave him more than just a tinge of warmth. It was difficult to believe, even though he wanted to so, so badly.

Kieran sat at his desk to draw and preserve this moment. He would keep it with all his other favorites and most memorable ones. When Kym and Will gave him a tour around the office on his first day, accompanied by their usual bickering. When he gave the two orphans coins, and they thanked him. When Lauren smiled at him when he said he would find Harvey’s killer. Genuinely smiled. Almost, as if, she believed and trusted him.

And of course, the night they met when he felt human again.

Putting his pencil to the paper, he started to sketch, smiling at the joy he wanted to portray on their faces.

Lauren. In the time that he’s known her, he’s noticed it takes a lot for her to feel happy, or at least content. But today, she seemed to have enjoyed the time with her friends.

_And me._

He didn’t know if it was right to consider himself Lauren’s friend. They’ve been through a lot, but she was just starting to open up again. And trust him?

_No, that’s not right. It’ll take a long time for her to trust me again. Again? No. She never fully trusted me in the first place._

He wanted to be more than just two people trying to find the Phantom Scythe leader and apostles. He wanted her to think of him not as the Purple Hyacinth, but as someone like a friend, even though friend is pushing it. 

Just a simple friendship is all he wants. Where she can confide in him. Where he can be the shoulder she can lean on when things are rough. Where she can trust that he’s not going to ruin it.

Again.

Kieran let go of his pencil and sighed, holding his head in his hands. _Why am I thinking these things? Friends? Why would she want me as a friend? After all I’ve done and who I am._

He wanted to see Lauren normally again. Without the blood on her neck that he sees every time he looks at her.

He picked up the pencil once more. He had to keep drawing. He couldn’t let those thoughts, those thoughts burdened with regret, stop him.

It was hard to do that when every time he looked at Lauren’s smiling face on the paper, he saw the rage emanating from her that day in his cave.

All of her words came rushing to his mind. He drew faster now, trying to concentrate on it instead of the words.

**“How can I trust you after this, Kieran?”**

He kept his eyes on the drawing.

**“What am I even** **_doing_ ** **with you?”**

He drew quicker, trying to keep touch with the spark of joy from earlier.

**“It was stupid of me to believe you could be human-”**

Frantic now, he scribbled, destroying the quality of the drawing in an instant.

“ **Even for a _second_** **** **.”**

_No, no, no, no._

**“You’re _nothing_ but a monster.”**

“AARGHH!” he shot out of his chair, seeing that even drawing isn’t stopping the thoughts and images flowing through his mind.

He looked down at the pencil in his hand.

His hand.

The hand that took away hundreds of lives, and almost Lauren’s.

SNAP!

Kieran broke the pencil, and threw the halves across the room, striking the giant frame that takes up a wall in his drawing room.

He stomped towards the frame, only to see his reflection through the glare.

He scowled at the face staring back at him.

That stupid, _disgusting_ face that he’s forced to see every day.

The face that has been the last thing many people see before he killed them.

“You,” he growled with hatred to the reflection, “ruined everything.”

He picked up the pencil and headed back to the desk and is met with the half finished drawing of the four of them smiling.

Kieran scoffed. _Did I actually think that feeling was going to last? It never does, so why would it now?_

He stared at the drawing, then slammed the half of the pencil onto the paper and violently scribbled over himself, leaving only Lauren, Kym, and Will.

_They deserve so much better than me._

Then, after feeling the numbness for years, his eyes started to drip with tears. He tried to stop them from flowing, but it didn’t work.

He lifted the paper and glared at it through the tears. _It’s a lie. It’s all a lie!_

He yelled once again and tore the paper down the middle. Then again, and again, and again, and again.

Whipping around, he saw all of the other drawings hung on the walls, on the cabinets. He stormed at them, and one by one…

He ripped them all into shreds.

The moment with Kym and Will. Gone. The moment with the orphans. Gone. The moment with Lauren smiling. Gone. The moment when they first met. G-

“No,” he sobbed, realizing what he had done. “No, no, no, no, no! NO!”

He dropped to the floor with all the shreds of paper, sobbing uncontrollably.

“I didn’t mean it,” he could barely speak with the tears. “I didn’t mean any of it!”

He didn’t know if he was talking about the papers, to the innocent lives he took, or to Lauren. Perhaps to all of them. To everyone and everything.

He fell with his back on the floor, gazing up at the ceiling, tears falling slower now.

Like everything around him, he destroyed all his drawings from over the years. The only things that have kept the thought of humanity alive.

Kieran sighed, seeing images of his victims shooting through his mind. The screams, the blood, all of it.

_Nothing I do will make me forget._

_I’m a monster. And a monster like me doesn’t deserve to feel a sense of humanity._

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote this, I was crying at 12am about the flashback scene in episode 54 so I decided to write this haha. It's supposed to take place in a couple months from where we are now in season 2. The whole three hours I was writing this, I listened to the first track of episode 54. I hope you liked it and can forgive me for this angst.


End file.
